Tuesday, September 24, 2013

I tip for service

Pizza is a health food. If you disagree you are wrong.  Issue settled.

I have 2 favorite pizzerias, one at each end of our town.  I know great pizza when I eat it, my bathroom scale will confirm this, but I have curtailed my consumption limiting myself to infrequent celebrations, such as full moons, a new Geiko commercial, getting out of bed etc.

Recently I had to visit both locations and was shocked to see something missing, a “tip jar”.  I know these exist in pizzerias, I watched Seinfeld, and I was shocked and quite frankly pleased to see the missing non-humanoid handout.  If I sat down and ordered a meal I would surely have shown my appreciation.

I am aware of the need to tip for good service.  The newspaper delivery guy and the mailman both receive a Christmas tip.  The AAA mechanic who changes my tire or tows my car is appreciated and so are delivery and service people. 

I am always more than generous with wait staff and others who bring food to my table and I never complain or send food back.  I like my meal without “additives”.

I do, however, consider it offensive to ask for a tip when all you do is grab a doughnut off the rack and expect additional consideration for just handing me something very quickly in between your Tweeting and Instagrams.

How much should I tip the Dunkin Donut Clerks for 5 ½ seconds of donut wrangling?

At least if you want a tip, hold your hand out proudly. Do you really expect a monetary reward for handing me a frozen Buster Bar?  Just by taping your cheesy plastic cup beneath the drive thru window does not warrant notice. I would expect you to do some kind of fast food Trick-or-Treat”; sing something or recite a poem.

I have considered making my own tip jar to hang around my neck and to expect a little “sweetener” for just doing my job.

 I could just sit in my little cubicle and wait for Joe Carter, my boss, to bellow out “Gerard, where’s the Johnson Report”.  I could just shake the coffee can and point with an attitude that says “you’ll get the report when I see some loose change”.

Of course it takes a lot of chutzpah to request funds for services not rendered, or at best using minimal effort.

What will happen when the Cyborgs finally take over the future?  Will they too require some palm greasing?

Maybe we should begin today to practice tipping inanimate objects in order to embrace future events.

Let's begin by hanging cups from the refrigerator ice-maker, self-service gas pumps, maybe even the bank's ATM machine. 

Look out for the future tip line on the Amazon order review page.


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