Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Say Cheese...but cut the cards!

Finley Peter Dunne, the humorist, created a column and character Martin. J Dooley saloon-keeper/philosopher who dispersed wisdom from behind a mythical Chicago bar.

His musings were carried in the Chicago newspapers in the late 1800's.

One of his quotes, and my favorite was "Trust everyone but still cut the cards.

My little town, like many across America, has been reaching out to business owners and entrepreneurs to help resurrect an old, (and former pre-mall) bustling downtown business district.

Modeling after some successful small towns (located not too far from us) we have attracted some of the stereotypical favorites; restaurant/coffee houses frequented by deadbeats for the free Wi-Fi, consignment shops, Art studios, Farmer's Markets, renovated Railways Stations and of course the obligatory Tattoo Parlor.

I am "tat-free" and have no desire for a colorful Dragon or Grateful Dead dancing bear to grace my less than taut fleshy parts, but if I ever were to sloganize my skin, this Martin Dooley quote would surely be one to consider.

It took years for me to realize the truthfulness behind bartender Dooley's statement, usually after much pain and loss during my youth, when carelessness and invincibility partnered with naïveté; trusting those I once considered close.

Life's learning curves can be both painful and embarrassing, especially when your foibles and indiscretions are exposed for all to witness, mock and leer.

As a father of a daughter, and grandfather to 5 little girls (with a 6th grand-baby on the way), it would pain me if in the future I would have to witness the embarrassment and humiliation now experienced this week by a number of young, beautiful "celebrity" women who trusted friends and I-clouds with very personal moments in their lives.

By all accounts it appears that this dissemination of photographs were unauthorized for public view.

They trusted friends, lovers and security but were betrayed by technology and social media hacker-profiteers lacking conscience for the sake of twisted conquest.

For those who want a sneak peak at feminine anatomy the Internet is never lacking. There has and always will be those whose decision it is to display their wares.

For the young women affected by this current scandal, you have my sympathy and support of the capture and prosecution of the scoundrels involved.

Live, Learn, Move-On and next time "cut the cards".

Sunday, August 31, 2014

I Now Pronounce You...

I now pronounce you Dyson and wife.

Mrs. Jaygerardtoday insisted that the vacuum she needed would provide many years of cleaning nirvana, a little pricey for me, the cheapskate, who could easily overlook a few hundred yards of dust-bunnies in favor of the cheapest price at Big Lots.

True to her word, she loves the machine, we are dust-bunny free and she has jokingly remarked she would “marry it”.

Strange how we casually use the “M” word, marry, especially in this age when communities, states and whole countries are wrestling with its definition that for thousands of years had been clearly understood.

Over the past few decades a tiny fraction of society has successfully been able to maneuver media and judiciaries towards far-left leaning liberal thoughts on the matter.

More traditional beliefs, still in a majority, continue to hold onto a man-woman insistence as definitions continue in flux in courtrooms and legislatures across the country.

The future is still being written but in some way I can now see how the traditionalist’s metaphor of the Pandora’s Box has slowly opened, with creatures escaping and encircling us.

Just this week a judge in Utah has suggested that the ban on plural marriage, polygamy, may be in part unconstitutional and has made an effort to reverse it. Somehow I suspect the average woman would not find this arrangement the most acceptable, but women have put up with worse throughout history.

Just ask my spouse.

The most bizarre related story I have read, to date, has been the “marriage” of a woman in England, Amanda Rodgers, who wedded her beloved Jack Russell terrier, Sheba, in a ceremony held in Croatia.

As Amanda has told the British press she proposed to Sheba and the pooch accepted by wagging her tail.

According to news reports, the ceremony was attended by 200 guests.

Eddie (Moose) from the TV Show “Frazier” couldn’t make it. He died.

So now do we not only have cross-species marriages, we have same-sex, cross species couplings.

Will the fun ever end?

This brings us to the next level, human and machine.

Spousy has not only expressed her “love” for the Dyson, she has utter the “M” word for everything from coffee makers to snow shovels.

She has become a hardware-technology hussy.

Her latest flirtation is the beloved Asus tablet.

As quickly as possible she relaxes in her Laz-Y-Girl each evening cuddling and hugging her newest love until so exhausted she enters slumberland.

I have finally accepted this new arrangement.

Last week, while she snoozed, I snuck a member of the clergy into our home and had him pronounce her and the flatscreen officially united.

Awaking later she was curious as to how she became covered with rice.

Mr. Dyson took care of the mess.

Now we have a nifty 3 way arrangement, Man-Woman and Machine.

Pandora, open the box a little wider please.