Sunday, August 31, 2014

I Now Pronounce You...

I now pronounce you Dyson and wife.

Mrs. Jaygerardtoday insisted that the vacuum she needed would provide many years of cleaning nirvana, a little pricey for me, the cheapskate, who could easily overlook a few hundred yards of dust-bunnies in favor of the cheapest price at Big Lots.

True to her word, she loves the machine, we are dust-bunny free and she has jokingly remarked she would “marry it”.

Strange how we casually use the “M” word, marry, especially in this age when communities, states and whole countries are wrestling with its definition that for thousands of years had been clearly understood.

Over the past few decades a tiny fraction of society has successfully been able to maneuver media and judiciaries towards far-left leaning liberal thoughts on the matter.

More traditional beliefs, still in a majority, continue to hold onto a man-woman insistence as definitions continue in flux in courtrooms and legislatures across the country.

The future is still being written but in some way I can now see how the traditionalist’s metaphor of the Pandora’s Box has slowly opened, with creatures escaping and encircling us.

Just this week a judge in Utah has suggested that the ban on plural marriage, polygamy, may be in part unconstitutional and has made an effort to reverse it. Somehow I suspect the average woman would not find this arrangement the most acceptable, but women have put up with worse throughout history.

Just ask my spouse.

The most bizarre related story I have read, to date, has been the “marriage” of a woman in England, Amanda Rodgers, who wedded her beloved Jack Russell terrier, Sheba, in a ceremony held in Croatia.

As Amanda has told the British press she proposed to Sheba and the pooch accepted by wagging her tail.

According to news reports, the ceremony was attended by 200 guests.

Eddie (Moose) from the TV Show “Frazier” couldn’t make it. He died.

So now do we not only have cross-species marriages, we have same-sex, cross species couplings.

Will the fun ever end?

This brings us to the next level, human and machine.

Spousy has not only expressed her “love” for the Dyson, she has utter the “M” word for everything from coffee makers to snow shovels.

She has become a hardware-technology hussy.

Her latest flirtation is the beloved Asus tablet.

As quickly as possible she relaxes in her Laz-Y-Girl each evening cuddling and hugging her newest love until so exhausted she enters slumberland.

I have finally accepted this new arrangement.

Last week, while she snoozed, I snuck a member of the clergy into our home and had him pronounce her and the flatscreen officially united.

Awaking later she was curious as to how she became covered with rice.

Mr. Dyson took care of the mess.

Now we have a nifty 3 way arrangement, Man-Woman and Machine.

Pandora, open the box a little wider please.

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